26.08.11

The 27 Club

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Much has been made recently of the fact that Amy Winehouse died at the same age as a number of other alcoholic, heroin addicted, manic depressives. The list is an impressive who's who of anybody who ever choked on their own vomit, or got caught out by an overly generous cutting ratio in the nearest crack den.

At Mudhuts, we've never been shy on jumping on anybody's bandwagon, if we feel there's mileage in it, so we couldn't let the event pass by without our own look at things.

So, here we bring you our own list of singers and musicians who, tragically, didn't die at 27.
Bono
Had Bono had the good grace to die at 27, we would have been spared everything after The Joshua Tree. If ever a man and a band were the living proof that sales does not equal talent, U2 would be it. It's not just us that thinks so, neither. South Park did an entire episode were the lads were trying to produce a record breaking turd, until they found out that they could never do it, as it turned out that Bono was already the world's biggest turd.

He is also a tax-dodging cunt.

Chris Martin
Chris Martin should have a tattoo of "I am a boring tool" on his forehead. Only qualifying as "music" in the sense that it has instruments somewhere in it all. Sadly, even had Martin curled up his toes at 27, we still would have been punished on a daily basis with songs from 2 appalling, but massively selling, albums. It's interesting that Coldplay are listed as "Alternative Rock". It can only be because they are so far removed from actual rock that journalists don't know where else to put them.

Chris Martin's only saving grace is that Gwynneth Paltrow would have it.

Ozzie Osborne
Frankly, he should have packed in after Sabbath broke up, if not before. That way, we'd have been spared the sight of a pickled old man and his insufferable family turning into media darlings for no other reason than being able to swear on MTV. Many others would also have been spared the receipt of a Tupperware box full of shit turning up in the post when they were deemed to have wronged the spectacularly talentless Mrs Osborne.

Sabbath were great in their day, but Ozzie's now a mithering cunt, his missus is a cunt, and his kids are cunts.

Bob Geldof
One massive selling single and a knighthood on the back of Midge Ure's hard work. It'd be funny if it weren't true. Geldof is also another who has a family full of absolute cunts. And what the fuck does Peaches do, exactly?

Geldof's only saving grace was his batshit as fuck dead missus, who killed herself because Hughie Green had knocked at opportunity one too many times, but she was always good for a laugh up to that point.

Michael Jackson
Spent up to his 27th birthday turning out great pop songs with the rest of the family and as a solo artist. And Thriller. He then spent the next 3 decades fiddling with kids*. Had he stopped at "Off The Wall", he would rightly have been hailed as one of the greatest ever. Instead, he's remembered for throwing his baby off a balcony and ending up whiter than that team of Albino kids who play football so people can laugh at them.

In short, made even Pete Townsend look like a granny shagger.

Cliff Richard
In the 60's, Cliff was actually a decent rock 'n' roller, it was only when he decided he didn't want Sue Barker to play with his balls, and that he preferred God to do it, that things went wrong. After he turned 27, Cliff came 2nd in Eurovision, and that was that. The failure made him doubt Elvis and turn into a freakishly constructed waxworks.

Cliff now regularly appears on chat shows, complaining that nobody takes him seriously as an artiste. That he's telling this to Alan Titchmarsh and Jeremy Clarkson should probably tell him all he needs to know.

Madonna
Madonna thought that producing her own soft-porn would keep her in the public eye. It worked, but only because everybody started wondering why an old lady with shit tits was getting them out for pretentious pricks to keep on their coffee table. She should have got Sean Penn to drive a boat with his cock, and she'd still be loved today.

Nowadays, Madonna is best known for being a man.

Oasis
Be Here Now was the last album before Noel Gallagher turned 27, and he would have got away with only ever writing 2 good albums of songs without anybody finding out, had he decided to fall on his sword (literally) and stop turning out formulaic shit which wouldn't even have made it onto a Stereophonics b-sides album.

Last seen being sued by his brother for writing all the songs.













*Fuck him. He's dead and he can't sue.

        
 
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