Not 39 Forever: No.11 - I've never lived, me

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Welcome to Not39 Forever, a slightly self indulgent blog where a sad bastard prepares for life after 40 by reminiscing about a load of daft shite he did.

Or maybe just some things I haven’t done. Yes let’s have some of those today:

I’ve never been skiing
I’ve never hosted a dinner party
I’ve never watched Downton Abbey
I’ve never smoked crack
I’ve never eaten fish
I’ve never fished (cockle nets excluded)
I’ve never been to Amsterdam
I’ve never played guitar
I’ve never been higher than the 2nd stage at Wigan baths
I’ve never been to Jimmy Grays chippy….since 1999
I’ve never used the phrase “What can I do you for”
I’ve never played online poker
I’ve never looked at you in a sexual way in my life before…oops bit of New Order crept in there
I’ve never liked mushrooms
I’ve never done a bungee jump
Or a sky dive
I’ve never been accosted by Purple Aki
I’ve never been to Sheffield Wednesday
I’ve never been to Sheffield on a Wednesday
I’ve never done DIY
I’ve never shouted “MARTINEZ OUT” at a football match
I’ve never worn Mens’ Ugg boots
I’ve never shouted Gerrum Onside at a rugby match
I’ve never broken hundred on a golf course henceforth I gave up
I’ve never stayed in hospital for more than a day – and I’m a proper hypochondriac
I’ve never had a tattoo
I’ve never been in The Hub, or th’ub as the yoofs probably call it
I’ve never drunk Advocaat
I’ve never met Dick Advocaat
I’ve never resorted to hair growth products….although there was that can of hair replenishment shit I got from Viz but it was basically like spraying brown paint on my bonce and not really a good look
I’ve never had crab sticks
Nor have I ever hilariously shouted to the Kershaws cockle man “Have you got any crabs on yer cock?”
I have no idea what Call of Duty is
I’ve never made a merangue
I can’t even spell mera(i)ngue
I’ve never driven down the M58 at 140 miles an hour, although I got close once
I’ve never woken up on Charnock Richard service station on Christmas Day aged 16, mainly because I never went to sleep
I’ve never been to outer space
I’ve never been to Balamory
I’ve never had a pack of Twiglets
I’ve never played football manager games, OK maybe when I was 10 I did
I’ve never watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy
In fact, I think I gave up when I tried to read them
I’ve never been to that Chinese Buffet in Marsh Bonk but I’ve heard the kids are always sticking their fingers in the chocolate fountain
I’ve never driven back from Hereford away in an MG Maestro after downing five pints of cider, definitely not officer
I’ve never been to Casa Carlos for tapas (probably because you need friends to have tapas)
I’ve never run a marathon but I’ve eaten a few
I’ve never had a Carrs Pasty as advertised at the Reebok Stadium but that’s one I may rectify soon
I’ve never pissed in a wardrobe in a hotel room
I’ve never baked cupcakes
I’ve never fought a grizzly bear
I’ve never been to Rhyl
I’ve never been to Brazil
I’ve never regretted anything

Yeah that last one’s a lie……



Remember me

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