A Week in the Life of Ozzie

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First Posted on 28th March 2004 by Ozzie Osbourne R.I.P

In the morning I went into Wigan to have my boyband goodlooking styled haircut. Obviously on entering the salon all the stylists turned around and looked in a "I wouldn't mind getting under him" type fashion. After rolling their tongues up they continued to cut hair but in a shaky fashion. Of course I just stood there with a look on my face that said "Yeah I'm kinda cute with a fantastic frame, but don't build your hopes up because I will only leave you heartbroken". Now comes the funny part I think. I got home about 2pm and decided to have a walk to Keith Davies bookies on Norley Hall to put my football coupon on for tomorrow (better odds than Stanley in Pem).

I got to the bottom of Loch Street and I was looking to cross City Road when I saw a bloke aged about 45-50 slip with his right foot in a HUGE pile of dogsh­­it (one of those slips that you sometimes see on dogsh­it where a scoop has been removed). That's not all though. To top it all off he actually did a sort of splitz manouvre which cased his left knee to rest perfectly in the remaining dogshit. I looked quite fresh too and a lot of smearing and smudging took place.

I was in fu­­cking fits of laughter by the time I had crossed the road. When I looked again he had a piece of tissue,was wiping his knee,shouting all kinds of F's, C's, T's, whilst looking around for the culprit. I think at that point he would have blamed ANY dog however small. Although even from accross the road it looked like the work of at least a doberman or possibly Bull Mastiff. I left the scene with tears rolling down my cheeks I swear to God.

Serious discussion day is Tuesday as that is usually smoke night. Ended up chatting about eating meat. Here's what was discussed. At what age did you eat meat? And I don't mean the odd pork chop here, bit of steak there. I mean on a daily basis. As a kid and right up to being about 16 I never ate meat on a regular basis. I'd get home from school and there would be a big piece of fu­cking steak in the pan for me old Dad (he was a roofer) and in the other pan was usually fish fingers or an egg (little chicken my Mam called it).

There was hardly ever any steak or meat for me I'd sit at the table chatting to my Dad but hardly ever taking my eyes off his plate. Licking my fu­cking lips and wondering what that steak would taste like. Sometimes I'd chip in with "give us a bit Dad, before you put that pepper on" His answer was usually "When you've got a job lad" I'd end up waiting for him to finish, sitting there hoping he'd give me a piece. The last piece he had,he'd get it on his fork, shrug his shoulder and then say "here you moaning bugger" offer the steak to me, just as I'd go for it he'd pull it away and eat it himself. Usually I banged my teeth together.

At 16 I started slaughtering and with my first wage I bought a fu­cking massive piece of rump steak, took it home give it to me Mam and said "cook that for me". I sat there and ate the fu­cking lot whilst me Dad had a pork chop. As I type this me little lad has just had pork steak at the age of 6!! Up until the age of 11 I didn't even know an egg had a fu­cking yolk. If I even asked for pork steak at the age of 6 my Mum would look at me with a face that looked like I'd just asked her for a blowjob.

Another stoners discussion that I thoroughly enjoyed was this. [yells at top of voice "2 bobber last"] Pitch & To­ss Or just "Pitch" as it was more commonly known. This was Ozzie's main game. Many hours were spent practicing in the back garden whilst waiting for my tea to be cooked. Perfecting the crouch (some went for a more upright stance I personally favoured the crouch with thighs almost parallel with the floor), getting a nice swinging arm rhythm and adjusting the release. Before then going out with the intention of bonking someone - oo er.

As soon as break or dinner time started and you got to the pitch wall shouts of "2 bobber last" rang out. First couple of games were a mere practice. Having a meat and spud pie in one hand usually affects your balance. When this was ate the serious games started. About 6 different games of pitch going on in a line. Not dissimilar to darts oches. Cries of "Faz" - which was heads & "Tal" - tails obviously rang out all dinner time. However there were notorious groups of lads who needed to be avoided at all times namely "School Funders". These were older boys who robbed your money, I was to become one of these in my final year.

Always seem to remember the last game when dinner bell went, usually being a 10 bobber. Anyway I was fantastic at this game and if anyone fancies a game you must have at least a fiver in your pocket to play me. [nods head] Card Games Before the introduction of sticker albums this was another thing that I was brilliant at. At the game of "Knock the bobby down" which involved leaning a card against the wall (usually Leciester goalkeeper Mark Wallington) and then throwing your cards to try to knock him down I was unbeatable. The winner took all the cards that were on the floor when the bobby went over. Long games of this occasionally happened, then just as you crouch to have your throw, you'd get a whiff of fresh chewing gum and realised someone was opening a new pack of cards. This was not allowed in my games. New cards were like fu­­cking ninja stars. Not a crease on them and all 4 corners with excellent points. They could hit the bobby from 50 metres.

Then there was Topsies. A simple enough game that involved pitching the cards towards the wall in alternate goes and hoping that one of your cards cover another. Even the slightest of corner covers were legal. Many fights often broke out in this game over disagreements. Many bloody noses and also fat lips. Marbles. Not one of my favoutite games but I did have a bolly for a few years. Can't remember how many it was though. Probably about a fifty thousander. Used to enjoy playing Splatz though. Odds and Evens some call it. Also had a few milkies. Never bothered with cats eyes. Neither green nor brown. The hand to eye co-ordination required was similar for both the cards and the pitch games. It was this particular skill that stood me in great stead for my FANTASTIC school career as goalkeeper and wicketkeeper of the highest order. [theme from Grange Hill gets louder & louder] [sausage with fork stuck in it comes flying across screen] [sticks 2 fingers up at Gripper Stebson, chases after Trisha Yates and simultaneously gives lip to Bullethead Baxter]

Thursday is ASDA shopping day,here's how it went. [continues stuffing face with carvery ham bought there] Yes fans I have just had my weekly venture out of the house and away from the reality of cyber world [chortle] On arriving at ASDA I noticed a car with the reg plate W16 ATH parked on the carpark. Full respect. On entering the store I heard the Gary Jules version of Mad World (nowhere near as good as mine). Then saw a very attractice check out girl. Part Asian I think. Deffo not White Anglo Saxon. Red streaks in her hair. To top it all off I saw quite a few women looking at me in a "God I'd love to get him into bed" sort of way. I just sauntered on with a look on my face that said "Yeah I know I'm cute, I know I'm perty and you can't have me" sort of way.

To tease them even more I shook my ass in a sort of catwalk fashion. Strutted my stuff shall we say. Minature Heroes also going for £6.48 for a big tin. [winks & then taps side of nose in a manner not dissimilar to Kenny Dlaglish Snr in Phoenix Nights] After forgetting the Playstation games I went for I had to return. Made a point of visiting the till with the red streaks bird on it. There is no doubt that she was looking at me in a "God you are dead fit" kind of way. I kept catching her looking at me and licking her lips seductively. I just grinned in a "yeah you are quite sexy but would look even more sexy with a big dollop of my cocksnot sliding down your cheek". [strutts his stuff catwalk style]

Stoners day again,Christmas was on the agenda and in particular decorations. I spent many an happy hour as a kid watching my mother bring the decorations down from the cubbyhole in her room.Each year I'd watch as she would wrap a small black bin in Christmas paper before asking my Dad to fill it with sand. Then out she came!! The most fantastic white tinsel tree you have ever seen. All 6 foot of her. My Dad then wrestled for about 50 minutes trying to get it balanced in the sand. Trying not to knock the fairy off which he had placed on the top. Ever year the fairy looked like it had spongolitis in it's neck as the ceiling was just an inch too low. Not the tree being too high my Dad said. Then my Dad spent about 4 hours trying to get the lights to work. Some of the lights had like a spider's web effect thing round them and only about 4 of them were missing on our set. Then my Mam put the balls on. Loads of different ones we had, some were even like those balls you get in nightclubs only smaller. It always worked out that we had too many balls and not enough connectors to hang them from the tree. Usually we put these round the back and just forced them on the end of the branches. Looked like we had them all over then. She always put blue bunting round the tree and usually yellow tinsel. If I could manage to rob one of those small nativity ornaments from school we'd put that underneath.

Decorations around the house were superb too. Every year my Mum would buy those streamer like paper tissue stlye decorations. She would then go from each corner of the room and link one to the light in the middle. Then to make it look really posh she would stick a drawing pin in the centre of each one and pin it to the ceiling. This formed a sort of W effect. Then we'd spend an hour blowing balloons up and tying about 5 of them together with cotton and hanging them in each corner of the ceiling between the decoration. By the time the 1st January arrived you had about 5 balloons on the celing that looked like scrotum sacks. Other lantern style things where then added to the ceiling. The crowning glory was 2 pieces of string over the fireplace. These were then filled with cards from neighbours and family. Ended up each year with about 3 layers of cards all over you fireplace. The mirror on one wall had tinsel around it that made it look like it had pig-tails. Oh and another thing. There was only 1 other house on Norley besides ours that had one of those garland things on the front door. [pours self pint of Martini (straight)] [gets all misty eyed] [knocks teeth out with hammer,cranks up Fairytale Of New York to full] [Shane McGowan transformation is complete]

Football day followed by DEEP discussion about school trips. [dresses in Jimmy Krankie uniform] [wonders where to start] As I was one of the richer kids in the class [smirk] I was always booked on school trips. I was always on the back seat of the coach even when I was in the younger years. Also I never took one of those orangey or blue coloured sports bags that had a really good smell to them. Always had Adidas. Anyway a few of the trips I went on with Pem Middle. Lancaster Railway & Morecambe - Totally slashed it down that day. Looking at poxy engines. Yeah right what do you think my name is Kevin Webster? Ended up on Morecambe fair on the big wheel in the rain. Managed to rob a gift shop though. Hornsea Pottery - Bit of a puffy sounding place but an excellent laugh.

Played football against some lads from a school in Stafford and booted them everywhere. Won 5-1 too. Ended up chasing a few of them round the grounds but they were quickly on their toes. Managed to completely clean out the gift store only for the Pottery people to come on our coach and threaten us with the police if we didn't return the stuff. Can still remember me & about 6 other lads carrying the stuff back to the shop. It looked like we had just won Crackerjack. Italy - Went skiing there and remember us nearly having a kick off with some Marus Briddge lads (12 months later I was mates with them at Whitley). Also remember myself and IanTC having a right verbals with some Italians when we were stuck on a chairlift in the snow.

Another visit was to Styal Mill in Cheshire. Loads of facking spinning Jennys and cotton wheels. Total shoite it was. Remember piss­ing of a wooden bridge than linked two buildings. Loads of girls on the coach home stinking of pi­ss. Managed to throw boiled ham butties and also banana in the machines that were making all the cloth. Funny as fu­ck when they seized up.Parts of cloth with boiled ham in. Also remember going to watch England friendlies with the middle school aged about 11-13. Watched Brazil,Argies and Holland all around 1980. Remember asking some bloke to buy us a tw­at mag from the services and everyone taking it in turns at the back of the mini bus to knock a wa­nk out aged 13. Chester Zoo - Now this was THE trip. Aged about 11 and in the first year at Pem Middle. We caused mayhem at the zoo. Threw apples, bananas, sandwiches, everything at the people on the boat. We were climbing trees, setting fire to things, playing football with flower heads, the only thing I think we didn't do was go swimming with the penguins. The tuck shop, gift shop, ice cream van everything was robbed that day. The next day at school the headmaster told us that we had got every school in Wigan and District banned from the Zoo. A proud moment in my life I can tell you.

I remember one of the school swots having a camera with him and taking photos of us. He informed the headmaster who then told us all that he would have the photos developed to see who was responsible. Anyway we all ended up in the office and got the cane. Needless to say though that we had the last laugh on the grass by pissing in his shoes everytime we had games. At Whitley i didn't go on many trips. But I did visit Wigan North Western Station and then got suspended for calling the commerce teacher Mr Calderbank a wan­ker over the platform tannoy system. Think we had to do the lock on the door to get in the office too.

Golfing day and a very interesting incident. Last night I asked me mate if he fancied going golfing (just 9 holes) at Ashurst Beacon. His reply was "Aye Ozzie, no worries. But I must warn you, I went a few days ago and some gypsy camp had been camping near the course and the little gypo kids were stealing the balls from the fairway". "Fuck them, I'll book us on for 8 o'clock" I said. So we go to the golf course this morning, arrive about 7.40. Theres 2 blokes in front of us on the first tee. One of the blokes asked a greenkeeper "am I ok to tee off, because I can't tell if the fairway is clear". The greenkeeper said "No worries pal, you are the first ones out today" So they teed off.

Me and my mate waited for a few minutes and smoked a joint of skunk I had rolled. Then we teed off. As we got towards the green, the two blokes were waving their hands at us, I wondered what the fuck was going on. When we got near the green, one of the blokes looked like he was trying to spew up. They called us over before we took our putts and one of them told us "Some dirty cunts have shit in the hole and my mate has just chipped in from off the green" The poor bloke was looking a bit pale and was shouting "Dirty fucking bastards" whilst trying to remove all the shit from his hand. Me and my mate decided to play to within an inch of the hole. Turned out that the gyppos had shit in 3 of the first nine holes. I must admit though, when the blokes teed off on the 2nd hole and was out of sight, me and my mate was fucking howling with laughter.

Happy reading I hope


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